


Once Upon a Mattress

by spookyawards_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: F/M, One Shot, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-12-25
Updated: 2004-12-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 13:48:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14426697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookyawards_archivist/pseuds/spookyawards_archivist
Summary: Sometimes it's just right





	Once Upon a Mattress

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Spooky Awards](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Spooky_Awards), and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2018. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [SpookyAwards' collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/spookyawards/profile).

Title: Once Upon a Mattress  
Author: Polly - Classification: MSR, Challenge  
Rating: PG-13  
Spoilers: None really  
Disclaimer: I wish they belonged to me, but all things XF belong to 1013 Productions  
Notes: Written for the Haven "Talk to Me Again" Challenge - must all be in dialogue; other elements at the end  
Archive: If you want it, it's yours  
Feedback: Always welcome and greatly appreciated Summary: Sometimes it's just right 

* * *

"No, still too soft." 

"Too soft?" 

"It needs to be harder." 

"Scully, any harder and it would be painful." 

"Okay, maybe 'firm' is a better word. It needs to be firmer." 

"I defy you to find one firmer than this." 

"You're just in a hurry to get this over with, Mulder." 

"Who, me? I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing - or anyone I'd rather be doing it with." 

"I detect a certain lack of sincerity." 

"Absolutely not! Scully, I'm the man who put the 'sin' in sincere." 

"Then focus, Mulder. Don't you want this to be right?" 

"Of course. I just didn't think it would take this long." 

"So it's okay for you to take your time when _you_ want to, but not when _I_ want to, is that it?" 

"O-kay." 

"That's better. How does this feel to you?" 

"They all feel the same, Scully." 

"How can they feel the same, Mulder? No, too soft." 

"This one's too hard. This one's too soft. It's like shopping with Goldilocks. Just pick one." 

"Mulder, you can't just 'pick one.' Choosing the right mattress is an important decision." 

"I don't see what's wrong with the one I have now." 

"It's worn out, Mulder. The springs are practically poking through." 

"I seem to recall that you were partially responsible for that, Scully." 

"I know, Mulder. That's why I'm helping you buy a new one." 

"Okay, how about this one? It feels good." 

"But it's got roses on it." 

"So what?" 

"I don't like mattresses with rose patterns." 

"Well, unless I buy diaphanous sheets, no one will know they're there." 

" _I'll_ know." 

"Scully, you keep unfolding like a flower. Not a rose. Just your everyday, garden variety type flower." 

"We all have our little idiosyncrasies, Mulder. That just happens to be one of mine. Come on, I thought you wanted to get this over with." 

"Okay, how about the round one?" 

"It's hideous, not to mention monstrous! Don't you think it's just a little too big for your bedroom?" 

"Have I ever told you Frohike's theory about the size of a man's bed as it relates to the size of his ..." 

"Oh, brother. Remind me to limit your play dates with Frohike." 

"Fine with me. It'll give me more time to schedule play dates with you." 

"That can be arranged, but not until we get the new mattress. I refuse to spend one more night on that rock pile you call a bed. It is the most uncomfortable ..." 

"Uncomfortable? It wasn't too uncomfortable this morning when you were snoring away." 

"I don't snore." 

"Right. Must've been that sawmill they built next door." 

"Let's just find a mattress that we both agree on, okay? Lie down on this one. How does it feel?" 

"Feels pretty good. You lie down, Scully. We've gotta see if it's right for both of us." 

"Okay. You know, Mulder, I think you might be right. This feels pretty good. Firm yet comfortable. Plenty of room." 

"Yeah, but I think what we really need to test for is durability. Assume the position, Agent Scully." 

"Mul-derrr! Stop it! People are looking!" 

"So? These people know what we're gonna do on this mattress, Scully. They won't mind if we test it out to make sure it's ... sturdy. I wonder if they've got one with a headboard. Never a salesman around when you need one." 

"Mulder, I'm warning you!" 

"Don't worry, Scully. It won't be the real thing. Just an incredible simulation." 

"If you don't want my knee to meet a very private part of your anatomy, you'll quit embarrassing me right now. And it won't be an incredible simulation; it'll be the real thing." 

"Geez, you sell me on the merits of comparison shopping and just when I get in the spirit of things you pull the proverbial mattress right out from under me." 

"Mulder, get serious. I think this one might work. What do you think?" 

"I think I don't like any of them." 

"Come on, Mulder. Whether you want to face it or not, you're getting older. You're going to ruin your back if you continue to sleep on that old mattress or on your couch." 

"What I meant was I don't like any of _these_ mattresses. I'm actually kind of partial to one I saw in Georgetown not long ago. Not too hard, not too soft; it was just right. As a matter of fact, I think I should consider using that one exclusively from now on." 

"Well, I wouldn't object to that, but I think for the time being we should maintain separate residences, just to keep up appearances, you understand, and as long as we have separate residences, it's probably a good idea for you to have a decent bed in yours. I mean, there may be times when you want to get away from me for at least a night." 

"Never." 

"And there may be times when I want to get away from you." 

"Likely. But I won't let you." 

"And there may be times when we both have an itch that we just have to scratch and we're closer to your apartment than mine." 

"Okay, I'm willing to rethink this mattress thing." 

"Since you like my mattress so much, Mulder, what do you say we order you one exactly like mine?" 

"Scully, you are brilliant. But before we do, maybe we ought to go take the one in Georgetown for one more test drive. Just to be absolutely sure that it's right." 

"Let's place the order, Mulder." 

"Okay, if you won't go to your place for mattress testing then we're going to my place. I want to get you on the couch." 

"On the couch?" 

"Yes. Dr. Mulder wants to explore the reasons for this deep-seated fear you mentioned. Perhaps as a child were you frightened by a float at the Rose Parade or traumatized by Betty White in an episode of 'The Golden Girls' or subjected to continuous broadcasts of 'Paper Roses' by Marie Osmond." 

"Gosh, I don't know, Dr. Mulder. I guess you'll have to delve deep into my psyche." 

"That's not the only thing I'm planning to delve deep into this afternoon, Dr. Scully." 

"Well then, let's order your mattress so we can go play doctor." 

"Any opportunity to work on my bedroom manner." 

"That's bed _side_ manner, Dr. Mulder." 

"In the bedroom, by the bedside. Hey, eventually we might even make it to the mattress." 

**THE END**

* * *

Haven "Talk to Me Again" Challenge:  
600 words or less (oops - way too long!) Must be all in dialogue  
Must use the following words:  
roses  
monstrous  
schedule  
snoring  
diaphanous   
  


#### If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Polly


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